The beauty of the world which is soon to perish, has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder- Virginia Wolf, A Room of One’s Own
Virigina Wolf is speaking about Autumn, about how it sits on the edge between glorious burnt oranges and reds and the edges of winter and death. She could also be speaking about life.
There are two edges to everything. Two edges to having and not having, two edges to loving and not loving, two edges to choices and regrets.
Two edges in the spiritual and the physical. And where do our hearts stand in the beauty? in the edges?
I am standing at the edges of my own life. I have decided not to date. I have been working too hard at trying, at attempting to steer love in my direction. And what has perished in the process is my own self-worth, my own compass to my true self.
My heart has been cut asunder. So here is my experiment…surrender, mixed with patience and hope. Just as Autumn is approaching and the green leaves of summer die off, I am letting my efforts, my determination to find love fall to the ground and lay fallow.
What do I hope to gain? A recentering of my soul, my peace. Perhaps even a calling to a new practice, a new way of approaching my life, my heart center.
Some people hide from love and others go all out to find it. Edges of the same heart seen in different ways.
For a person like me, who believes time is not on my side, that winter is fast approaching (I have a birthday in the middle of December), to stop the so called process called dating and seeking love seems conterproductive. I know many single people who seem to balance the edges of being single and spending time alone, and dating and seeking love. I am not one of those. I have vigorously sought love in many cities, through many dates throughout my singlehood of eight years.
Matthew Kelly, author of The Seven Levels of Intimacy says that we are a generation of people who are seeking desperately for deep connection but do everything to resist true connection by being unwilling to delve below the surface of superficial behaviors.
I would like for the next 90 days to blog and talk about my experience of stepping away from the dating world and to the edges of being single and see how this feels, how this opens me up to new perspectives of my own self, of the world around me, and of my own edges. I will be rumbling with my own self, with letting the determined edges of me who thinks if she dates 100 guys, the odds will be in her favor to find the right one.
I have a friend who is a Methodist Minister. He calls it taking a sabbath in my life. It is a resting, a place where I let God and Spirit give me sustenance, grace.
Dating is exhausting and yes, it cuts the heart asunder. I am tired of trying so hard, of examining and re-examining myself everytime another potential lover easily falls aside like autumn leaves.
Brene Brown, famous social scientist, in her new book Rising Strong talks about how we have to get below the surface of the stories we make up about ourselves. We have to rumble with our failings and get curious and ask the tough questions of why we do the things we do in our akward attempts to find true intimacy.
In the next few months, I want to rumble with my stories, with my ideas of singlehood. I want to find my anchor and not teeter through the edges of heartbreak.
Will you be a witness to what this feels like, what this produces within me? I am being vulnerable because I want you to join me in the edges of heart within each one of us. I want you to delve beneath the surface of your own story and find a new one, a one that reflects your beauty, your heart.
We all have the capacity to love, but it begins at home. It begins with finding our worth within the God within us, to find our worth through the eyes of the Creator who made us, and our own unique beauty.