Waiting

Waiting is a weighted word. So is trust and hope. We experience waiting in varying degrees.

Waiting in line. Waiting for someone to finish their long-winded, one-sided talk. Waiting for spring to come and the flowers to bloom or for the meat to defrost for dinner. These are all items that seem part of the usual components of our lives.

And then there is another waiting. It is waiting for the big events of our hopes and dreams. The new job. The move to another city. The timing of a baby being conceived and born. Love, and the man you are waiting to appear in the moment that is right for the both of you.

Being in the present is important while waiting. I think of the new technology of watching two channels (now it is 6 channels) simulataneously on the television. The big picture and the smaller picture. Keeping your eyes (your presence) on the now while also looking toward the future hope of something you desire.

Waiting is hard. I sense that I am wasting time waiting. I could already be experiencing the thrill, the comfort, the gladness, and the joy of being with my partner right now! Why should I have to wait one minute longer? But much is learned in the waiting if I lean back into it and surrender to  trust. Trust and Faith are also loaded words. I trust there is a God who is full of love and wants only love to fill my being, spilling out in every direction, especially into the intimate life of loving a man.

Waiting in fear is non-productive. It is like going through one of those circular doors where you never get off. You see what direction you want to go in, but fear just has you going in circles. Waiting in trust and faith is different. It allows you to be grateful for all of those dates that felt like they were learning blocks to the right relationship. Waiting in trust and faith allows you to stay in the present in a grateful attitude.

Okay. Let’s stop now and for the record, I want to say, no, I want to scream, “I’m tired of waiting! I’m tired of going on so many dates. I’m tired of learning something new about myself that needs attention.”

I’m also tired of people saying, “When you can be at peace and surrender, he will appear.” I don’t trust that belief. And, yet it sounds so delightfully fairy-book in its approach. It is somewhere in between this, or is this really the way? Do I sit back on my “waiting” laurels and let time pass, loving myself and then, poof, he appears! Or do I renew my subscription on Match or the other  online dating and money-making sites, and dig around again and go on lots of dates and kiss lots of toads before kissing the prince?

Putting men aside for a bit, it really is about me catching up with my real self, acting from my true self. I am finding her more and more in these meetings and dates. I am finding the core of how I want to be in a relationship.  It is scary for me to not be the sweet southern girl who wants to please. It is scary to stand up in a authentic way and say, “No, that doesn’t feel good.”

It is also scary to wait. It’s scary to be alone and have the doubt of being in a wholesome, loving, and healthy relationship with a man might not come. Unless I learn to trust in God and my own inner voice, I will be in another circular door feeling trapped by a sense of bleak, desperation.

The only real waiting I have to do is to wait in a place safe and loving for me.  That is the hardest waiting. It is waiting while I anchor myself in trust (faith), hope, and love. I have ignored the most precious person while waiting for love. My inner self, inner girl/woman needs to be heard and needs to be expressed.

1 Corinthians 13:13 “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

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About Victoria Yeary

Author Writer
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