The book title and author Greg Behrendt slapped reality back into women’s romantic illusions of love and men with his book, “He’s Just Not Into You.” This seems to be the mantra for most of the online dates I have experienced in the past year.
I really wish all the men who I invested my energy and time with, would have helped me cut through the crap quicker with the knife-cutting words, ” I’m just not into you.” I have spent my adult life trying to be “into” the man. I have spent my time nurturing, emotionally doing back-bends to anticipate their needs (and desires), only to have the back gate swing into my face and knock me down hard.
What woman hasn’t done this? I see very strong, successful women become silly putty (with the emphasis on silly) in their efforts to “please” their man. I have joined the millions of women who are scanning the internet dating sites, reaching out to perfect strangers, in hopes they will respond-in hopes to finding love.
This is where I say, “re-wind!” If he’s not that into you, could it be because you are not that into yourself? Men normally do not get caught up in the romance of a relationship. They get caught up in the physical sensations. They get caught up in being the center of your attention. It takes awhile for their heart to catch up. This means that you have keep your center, your ground solid. You have to not swoon and imagine having babies with this man.
The loneliness I experience on my own creates such a cavity within me, I reach out in a way that on the outside looks like the witty, accomplished, and successful woman, but inside I am cringing and scraping to something that is not me- that is not the authentic me. I am a red-haired woman, born under the sign of fire. I am fiery, passionate, and spontaneous- all deadly combinations for being with a man.
Now, the secret is (or so they tell me. Who are they? The so-called experts) to be all into yourself-your life, your passions and your interests. Then magically, he will appear!
Men are slow or fast. There is no inbetween- no pace you can count on that is regular. They either want to go fast or they want to go so slow that you really wonder what century they are in. There is one man I met recently and the first meeting took him almost four weeks to arrange. He is only 5 blocks down from where I work?! Now 12 days have passed and simply because I wanted to either check him off the list or still see if he was breathing, I reached out to him. He answered back that he was still interested. How hard is it to call someone and plan something? I’m growing mold just waiting for this person to make some response.
Men compartmentalize. They are lonely too, but they spend time making long playlists and doodling about the house or going on long bike rides. They go to the sports bar and holler and raise their fists at the other team. They are brilliant at making it seem so okay. They appear to be so in control.
Women obsess about the man we like. We imagine the future, even if it’s just next week’s date with him. We are like sponges that take it all in and give it all out. Our barriers are porous and connected to our emotions. Men are the hard blocks of soap we try and rub up against in order to enjoy a thin layer of who they are.
In the beginning it is all about subterfuge and mystery. The more you keep away from him, the more he sees you as desirable. You must walk this fine balancing rope of being you and not being you- of holding back and flirting and giving positive signals at the same time. It’s maddening!
When can we just be who we want to be? When can we be the women of strength and of tenderness we were meant to be? Men are the fragile ones. You talk about anything outside their comfort realm and they either blame or run away!
If I had a dollar for every online relationship expert who is telling me that I have to do something- that I have to be whole and good and pure before I can attract the right man, I would have my retirement fund taken care of! When did it become the responsibilty of women to find, nuture, correct, and become shining stars to the duds that are out there? When will we stop trying so hard and just be who we were meant to be? Beautiful, wise and rich women.
Occasionally, I will set the search engines on an online dating site to be a man looking for a woman. Come On! I have to see who I am up against, right?
What I find are some amazing women (like myself) who shouldn’t even be having to try that hard. Women who are successful, have raised sons and daughter, who are active and travel. These women are interesting! I would like to reach out to them and ask if they would like to be friends.
I’m sorry but I am going to say this- Men are downright stupid! They have a wonderful woman and they piss on her and go looking for another. A man I went out with last week told me the conudrum of dating online is that a person can’t make a choice when his choices are endless. In other words, Online dating has made both genders feel that the bird in the hand isn’t worth the two in the bush ( or the infinite choices). Frankly, I’m tired of the choices. I want to have an old-fashioned introduction or something as magical as meeting this person in a situation where I am not expecting romance. And in regard to choices- there really aren’t that many out there. I have seen the pages of baseball caps and beer bellies. Not that attractive!
Then I have the great guy who is pursuing me and we are having great fun, but the minute I tell him that I’m trying something new and seeing other people ( Note to self: Never, ever tell a man you are seeing other men in the beginning. Their egos are too fragile.). I tell him that I really like him and can’t imagine anyone else eclipsing him ( and I really mean this. I am about ready to only date him). He pretends this is good news and then, punishes me and us with radio silence.
So the word is -“He’s just not that into you!”
And this means, that we have to take the bull by the horns and turn our attention in to being into ourselves. It means being authentic and dumping the old ideas of a woman who is placid and puts up with men who don’t know what to do with their feelings and hide instead of actually confronting them. Instead of feeling like the victim to a man’s errors and ways, call up and say, “Hey, I am an idiot when I said I wanted to date other people. I was scared, but you are also an idiot when you ran as fast as you could because you were scared even more. We have a good thing going here. It would be a shame if we are both idiots and ruin it.”
What do you have to lose? Not a whole lot because if he is really dealing with his own stuff, he will appreciate you calling him out and yourself on the matter and looking at the great things you are feeling and seeing in each other.
I wish I had done that. Instead, I walked on eggshells and was in pure misery for so long that I completely lost any ground I had with him. I’m sure he began to see me as the weak link. No matter now- I just have to be more into me in order to be authentic and ready for the right man. I have to realize it was not my fault either. While I was trying to make it okay, he was pulling further away. Don’t make it okay for him. If he has to sweat it out or run away because he can’t deal with your needs, then he is a coward and someone you don’t need in your life. If he can’t get it together enough to see you, then He is not ready for a relationship. Don’t sweat the small men. Live Big and Large and eventually, you will sparkle so much in your own galaxy system, men will ache to be with you.
Let’s turn this around, shall we? From now on, the saying goes like this, “She’s just not that into You!”